Every SM Lovestory
by Starsketch007
Summary: [Complete] Meatballs! Alarm Clocks! Green Jackets! Black Coffee! All the SM cliches I could think of, without the whole 'making sense' thing. All done! thanks guys.
1. Default Chapter

The **SAILOR MOON LOVE STORY** you've read a million times…

(but never like this).

Hi everybody! (Hi, dr. Nick!) I'm sure anybody who's been on this list for, good grief, five years? has noticed a few conventions, that tend to grace almost every single usagi/mamoru romance fic. So, out of love and boredom, I'm sticking them together in one fic. Here are all the ones I could think of. Review and please let me know if you can think of more!

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own didly, promise, except this meagre story. All hail Naoko! ommm....

**CHAPTER ONE: The Beginning**

The alarm clock buzzed.

Usagi groaned. "ten more minutes, mom?" she croaked against her pillow.

"Get up, sleepy-pants!" The peace of the morning was broken by the voice of a small black cat, jumping onto her bed. "It's time to go to school, you'll be late again, and you'll get detention, _again_, and Rei will totally —"

"Luna?"

"Yes?" The cat stopped, briefly startled out of her tirade.

"Are you from England?"

"Whaaa…?" Luna froze, her tail a stiff vertical line behind her ears. "You must be more out of it than I thought! Of course not! As you know perfectly well, I have been reincarnated from the Silver Millenium's Moon Kingdom, just like you and the girls! And from a very prestigious lineage of feline guardians, I must say," she added proudly.

She paused. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, I dunno…" Usagi muttered sleepily. "It's just sometimes your voice, when you get excited…It sounds kind of _British_…"

The talking cat was outraged. "Why…I…honestly, I wouldn't talk, Usagi, half the time you're shrieking so loud it breaks the sound barrie—mmmpfh…!"

With reflexes that belied her usual clumsiness, Usagi had rolled over and tossed the cat into a hamper. She smiled satisfiedly as the lid closed tightly. "Ahh, that was getting so annoying," she said. "Just ten more minutes…."

From within the clothing hamper, Luna groaned. "I've got to stop watching so much Monty Python…"

**ONE HOUR LATER.**

"AAAhhhhhghghghhh!!! I'm like, so, totally, late! And stuff! Why didn't anybody wake me up?!?!?!" Usagi charged into the kitchen with her hair half styled and her jeans on backwards and quickly shoved a piece of toast, two salami sandwiches, and a pint of ice cream into her mouth.

"Actually," said her little brother, calmly munching Lucky Charms at the table, "We tried to wake you with a foghorn, a couple of gunshots, paid a marching band to walk past your room…"

"Shut up, Shingo!" Usagi cried. "Gotta go. I'm late! Really, really late!" She grabbed a granola bar and raced out the door, leaving a cloud of empty plates and dust.

The little boy turned to his parents, who were quietly cooking and reading the paper, and said seriously, "really, I'm old enough, you can tell me now. She's adopted, right?"

"Haw haw haw!" said his father. "Not exactly."

"It's true," said Ikuko, "Although, we wish. We love her though. SO DO YOU," she added sternly.

"I knew it!" muttered Shingo. "She must be an alien. Maybe from the moon? Nah, not far away enough. She's gotta be from Pluto, at least."

**JUUBAN DISTRICT**

"Scram, everybody, I'm late to school!"

'Oh, man, this is gonna take forever! If only there were a faster way to get to school every day!' Usagi thought frantically, speeding past a rollerblade shop, a bike supply store, several car dealerships and a bus stop. 'Although I'm getting kinda tired, I could really use a BREAK— umph!" At that moment she crashed into a large square, muscly surface that could only be…

"Watch where you're going, jerk!"

**THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER…**

Several blocks away from Usagi's house, from the bedroom of a tall, posh urban apartment, Mamoru opened up his closet and pursed his lips thoughtfully. Twenty-nine hideously ugly dark green blazers stared back at him.

"Hmm, maybe I'll wear something different today," he thought to himself. He opened a drawer and pulled out a white t-shirt that said, in bold black letters on the front, "ALOOF". He turned it over. The back said, "…BUT ACTUALLY VERY SWEET, JUST REPRESSED DUE TO SECRET CHILDHOOD TRAUMA."

He shrugged. "Last time I'm letting Andrew take me to the mall when I'm drunk." Mamoru slipped on the shirt, tugged a green blazer over it, made sure his bangs fell rakishly over his bright blue eyes, and prepared to stake out a corner of the street to await the arrival of a very speedy blond girl with a very high pitched yell.

**NOW.**

"You jerk! Why are you always in my way!" Usagi yelled.

"Why don't you ever look where you're going!"

"Why you…YOU…" Usagi fumed. Then, unexpectedly, she turned and began rustling through her bag, searching for something.

Mamoru took the moment to have a good look at her. She was wearing jeans ('are those on _backwards_?' he wondered) that emphasized her endlessly long legs and a pink t-shirt that read 'PRINCESS' in sparkly letters.

'Something tells me that this girl has something to do with the Princess that I always dream about, the one that looks exactly like her,' Mamoru mused, in a sudden burst of inspiration. He shook his head. 'Nahh.'

"Aha!" Usagi turned around triumphantly, pulling a thesaurus from her bag. "Okay, nerd! I'm ready for combat! You start."

Mamoru rolled his eyes, and the chain of insults began.

"Baka."

"Idiot!"

"Ignoramus!"

"Moron!"

"Charlatan"

"uhhh….poopyhead!"

Mamoru sighed. 'Poopyhead'? "Usagi, you have a thesaurus! Why don't you use it?"

The small blond girl's eyes clouded over with tears. "Because," she said quietly, her voice broken, "I never learned… how to _read_…."

As Mamoru stood there, stunned, a bell rang from off in the distance. "Gahhh!" screamed Usagi. "Gotta go! I'm soooo late!" She sped off, turning to look back for just an instant, as her eyes caught the back of Mamoru's shirt. 'Something tells me that although he comes across as so cold and aloof, he's actually probably very sweet, just repressed due to like, childhood trauma, and junk'. She picked up speed. 'Nah. That's too cheesy.' She snorted. 'That jerk.'

_**more to come soon!**_


	2. Woohoo! You're still reading!

**Another SAILORMOON LOVE STORY**

Wow, three reviews! Thanks, you guys! I really appreciate it. And for your info, AB, I will be selling silkscreened Mamo-style T-shirts at the end of this chapter. (that is a big lie, but please keep reading!)

**DISCLAIMER:** I still don't own Sailor Moon (aw).But I bought a thermos once by accident on Ebay. Yoink!

**CHAPTER TWO: The Second Chapter**

Exactly T-minus point zero zero six seconds before the final bell rang, a hyper blond mini-tornado came crashing through the classroom door. When the smoke had cleared, Usagi Tsukino was sitting at her desk, panting. And eating a riceball. The other students clapped politely.

"Hey Sewena! That was, like,really close, Ms. Haruna would have killed you if you were late again!" whispered Naru, Usagi's best friend.

"Uh, Naru? Did you just call me 'Serena'?And… since when do you have a Brooklyn accent?" Usagi whispered back, confused.

Naru shook her head, puzzled. "Wow, I'm sorry, Usagi, I don't know what came over me," she said softly. "Where's 'Brooklyn'?"Luckily she was saved from an explanation when the classroom door opened and the school principal walked briskly into the room.

'Phew', thought Naru, sighing under her breath. '_Gotta stop watching so much NYPD Blue_.'

"Students," the principal began, adjusting his glasses, "I would just like you all to know that since your teacher Ms. Haruna is dead, you will be having a substitute teacher today—"

A leggy blond secretary ran into the classroom and whispered something into his ear.

"Ah, yes, excuse me, haha, enough about my ex-wife. Rather, your teacher Ms. Haruna would like you to know that since she is on a date, an all-day date, with a man--," he paused again, as the woman whispered something else in his ear, "--a very hot, steamy _older_ man, you will be having a substitute teacher today. We think he's in college, or actually we're not too sure, since we just grabbed him off the street and we've never seen him before, but he looks smart, doesn't he?" With that, he reached through the doorway and grabbed a very handsome and flustered Mamoru Chiba. "Good luck, son," he said, patting the young man on the shoulder, and fled with his secretary in tow.

The girls stared at Mamoru, open mouthed, until they all screamed, with little pink hearts in their eyes. "Uahhhhh!!"

They boys stared the drooling girls and whispered anxiously amongst themselves.

(Usagi was sleeping on her desk, so she didn't notice).

"So, er, class, what have you been working on?" Mamoru asked nervously, making his way to the chalkboards. Crickets chirped.

"Uh, Ami-chan?" He turned expectantly to the little blue-haired genius, who he recognized from his daily hangouts at the arcade. She was always sitting with Usagi's estrogen-gang at a booth, usually reading a book. The other girls in the class turned to stare venomously at Ami, who shrunk a little in her seat.

"We're reading Romeo and Juliet, substitute-sensei," she said.

"What page?"

"I'm not sure, because I have already read it six times. In fourteen languages," Ami replied.

"Alright," breathed Mamoru. He'd have preferred advanced physics, but what the heck. "We'll go with the balcony scene, because it's sexy," he said. "Turn to page… wait a minute, is that…?"

He began to circle the classroom, closing in upon a blond head that lay unmoving upon the desk, with a hairstyle so distinctive it could only be…

"ODANGO OTAMA!" he yelled into her ear.

"Gyahh! It's that nightmare again!" cried Usagi, startled, as she looked blearily into the dazzlingly blue eyes of her arch-nemesis. "The one with the leprechauns, and the carnies, and the big stupid JERK!"

"Oh no, Odango. This is real," said Mamoru evilly, in his suavest adult voice.

"You!" she yelled. "What are YOU doing here? And why do you keep calling me that word! What does it mean!? I don't speak French!"

Mamoru sweatdropped. "First of all, it's not French, it's your native language, and second of all, it's obviously about your hair, so take a guess!"

Usagi pursed her lips and cutely furrowed her brow. "Something about…gloriously shiny hair in the shape of flaxen meatballs?" she asked brightly.

(All the students in the classroom were watching, silently fascinated).

"Wrong!" he cried. "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Even I would never call you a stupid name involving meatballs!" At this, a middle aged man sitting in the back of the room, poorly disguised as a middle-school student, wearing a T-shirt that read "DiC" in big pink letters, coughed and ran out of the room.

Mamoru stared after him, then shrugged. "Whatever. Anyways, for sleeping in class, you are staying after for detention, to practice reading the very sexy balcony scene from 'Romeo and Juliet', all alone, just the two of us!"

Half of the girls in the classroom swooned with jealousy.

"But…!" said Usagi, hot tearsthreatening to spill out ofher eyes. "That is so mean! You're the sub for, like,_one_ day, that's SO not fair…"

"No 'buts', Odango!" Mamoru said strictly. "You WILL be at detention. There WILL be candles, and easy listening. And the lights WILL BE DIMMED!" Every other girl in the room passed out. And some of the boys.

Mamoru walked back to his desk. "Okay, class…" He cleared his throat again and rolled his eyes. "and by the way,Ami-chan, I'm sure you're an exemplary student, but don't think I don't see what you're doing over there. You need to focus and set a good example for your ditsy friend. Please put away that NASA training manual."

Ami blushed guiltily and stashed the government-classified document inside her desk. 'He's sharp', she mused. 'I wonder if there's more to him than meets the eye?'

(**AN**: TRANSFORMERS! ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!)

'This sucks,' Usagi thought. 'What a jerk!He is so mean to me! Dimmed lights, music, romantic play... I'm the unluckiest girl in the world…'

**DETENTION. Some hours later. **

"Romeo, Romeo, where ya goin, Romeo?"

"No, no! It's 'wherefore art thou', Odango!"

Usagi sighed, rubbing her eyes annoyedly. "Look, we've been here for two hours, does it really matter? I mean, what's the difference!"

Mamoru closed his eyes in frustration. "It does matter, Usagi-san. Juliet's not asking where he's going, she's wondering rhetorically why he comes from the family that should make _him_ her family's mortal enemy."

"Yeah, well, _maybe_," Usagi snapped, "she's pissed off because she has to spend all this time with her mortal enemy who's a total jerk!"

"And just _maybe_," the dark-haired man retorted, "Romeo's only acting like a jerk to get close to her because he really likes her but he's afraid of his feelings!"

"Well then MAYBE," Usagi shouted, "he should just say what he means instead of using all these stupid rhymy words to confuse her!"

"I love you," Mamoru said.

Usagi blinked.

"What page is that on?" she said, and started flipping through the play.

Mamoru groaned. 'She's denser than I ever thought possible.' "Usagi, have you ever heard of a 'metaphor'?"

"No."

"Well, it's, ah…" he began, raking a hand through his hair. At that moment, Usagi's communicator started beeping.

"Oh man!" she exclaimed, shoving books and notebooks into her bag, "I've gotta run, that's an emergency, I uh, I think my basement's flooding!" she leaned so close to Mamoru that his heart pounded in his brain, "it's probably 'cause, you see, on the news it said there's an _arsonist_ afoot!" And with that, she was off.

"Odango!" Mamoru called out after her, "an arsonist is… ah… oh… nevermind." He sighed. He yelled after her retreating footsteps: "the metaphor thing! Have Ami-chan explain it to you!" Too late. The blond-haired girl was out of sight.

_'She hates me, doesn't she? Luckily I hate her too. How could anyone not hate such a stupid, sweet, cute, sexy, beautiful, energetic, kind-hearted brat? Wait, did I just say 'sweet'? and 'cute'? But I hate her! Or, do I love her? Or do I love to hate her? Or do I hate that I love to love to hate her?Do Ihate love? Can love be hateful...'_

By this time he had left the school and was walking through the park. Passers by stared at the extreme facial expressions he was making in the midst of his internal dialogue when, suddenly, he felt a tug at his heart.

_'Oh no!'_ he thought. _'Heartburn!'_

A moment later, he heard a scream. _'Psyche! It's actually my internal bond! Sailor Moon is in trouble!'_ he thought, and in a flash of roses and pastel colors, Mamoru had transformed into Tuxedo Mask, the city's only superhero with a top hat.

He flourished his cape and ran to Juuban Ravine, a deep chasm that randomly ran though Juuban park, a ravine that for some reason nobody had ever noticed or mentioned before.

"Ahhhhh! Heeeelp meeeeeeeee!"

Tuxedo Mask caught his breath as he reached the edge of the ravine. Wailing and crying, Sailor Moon was hanging desperately onto the edge of the cliff!

**So how's that for a cliffhanger? Subtle enough? Muahahahahaha!**

**I hope this isn't boring. Please let me know!**


	3. Can't we all just get along?

**ANOTHER SAILORMOON LOVESTORY**

Hi All! Thanks for reading, and enjoying! I'm afraid this is only getting stupider, but maybe that's not an entirely bad thing. Reviewers, I love you guys, and I'll glorify you as soon as I get a chance!

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Sailor Moon, mangled quotes from the Princess Bride, or the Transformers theme song (although my band covered it in high school). _Game on!_

**CHAPTER THREE: the Obligatory Fight Scene**

"Ahhhhh! Heeeelp meeeeeeeee!"

Sailor Moon was dangling dangerously over the edge of a cliff!

Tuxedo Mask stiffened in alarm, and quickly hid behind a shrub to assess the situation. He took a deep breath and repeated to himself the mantra his online psychiatrist had developed for him to help confront the negative feelings that sometimes set in during moments like these. _"I am not a wimpy-faced cowardly pansy man. It's okay to take some time to assess things,"_ he whispered quietly. _"I am not a wimpy-faced pansy man—"_

Sailor Moon shrieked again. "These shiny gloves are really slippery! I can't hold on for much longer!"

Tuxedo Mask peeked out from behind the bush. Sure enough, the superhero he had grown to love was hanging from the edge of the ravine, while the other sailor senshi were encapsulated in some kind of energy bubble, suspended in the air. They appeared to be in terrible pain; Sailor Mars was crying, "No, stop!" and Sailor Jupiter was bashing her head against the invisible wall. Mercury, usually alert, appeared to be in some kind of stupor, and Sailor Venus was… taking notes? They were surrounded by what looked like a ring of young children. But where was the youma?

It was time to take action. Tuxedo jumped onto a tree branch and cried, "Ravines are fun places for tourists and important sites of geologic activity! I will not having you messing with the tectonic plates! In the name of formalwear, I will disgruntle you!"

He quickly threw a long-stemmed red rose to Sailor Moon, who seemed perplexed by his speech. "Tec…tectonic…" She brightened when she saw the flower. "Oh, that's so romantic!" she sighed, grasping for it with her free hand. "A flower! Although, tell ya the truth"--she started falling off the cliff, having forgotten to hold on-- "a ladder would have been nice….whoaaaah!" she cried. Her speedy descent was halted and she began floating slowly down the chasm. The rose had turned into a parachute!

The other senshi, still trapped in an energy ball, stared at Tuxedo Mask, speechless.

Jupiter was the first to speak. "Dude. They can DO that?!"

The dashing top-hatted hero smiled. "I've been working on 'em in the lab."

"Sweet!"

They were interrupted by a roaring sound. **"Cosmo! Cosmo!"**

Tuxedo Mask looked around. "I've been meaning to ask—where's the monster? And what's with the little kids!"

"**COSMO! COSMO!"**

Floating over the ravine was the most good-looking youma Tuxedo Mask had ever seen. She looked like a tall, leggy, very tanned Swedish supermodel (with blue skin and horns). And she was chanting over and over again her name, which was apparently:

"**COSMO! COOOSMOOO!"**

A thought began percolating very slowly into Tuxedo Mask's male brain. "Wait a minute… Cosmo, as in _Cosmopolitan_? That awful girly magazine?!"

The girls in the bubble all groaned despairingly. "Yep," said Sailor Mars. "Apparently that's what she transformed from; some picnickers must have left it by the cliff. She's been giving us personality quizzes for over ten minutes!"

"It's actually very interesting!" Venus chirped, tapping a pencil against her wrist. "According to this quiz, Rei is a psycho-bitch, Lita is a tomboy, times two because of the ponytail, Ami has glasses so she is…" she paused to tabulate a few numbers,"…smart, and I'm… mute!" she smiled.

The girls sweatdropped. "I think you mean 'dumb'," Sailor Mercury said quietly. "And, by the way, why are you here? By my calculations, Sailor Venus isn't supposed to appear until episode number—ouch!" Venus had quickly punched her in the nose. Mercury blacked out for a second.

"And!" cried Jupiter furiously, "this stupid youma has been giving me beauty tips! ME! Can you believe it!?" She flexed an arm and her muscles burst out of her fuku. The other senshi nodded obediently. 

"And embarrassing stories about se… se… sex…." Ami stuttered, and passed out again.

"**ENOUGH!"** yelled the monster impatiently. **"C'MON, I'M BORED!"** She pointed at the children-like figures who had been standing menacingly around the senshi all this time. **"SAILOR SCOUTS, ATTACK! COSMO!"**

"What did she call those things?" said Venus, confused. The children/monsters were wearing little white uniforms and handkerchiefs around their necks. Some had anchors tattooed on their little arms and a few carried slingshots in their back pockets.

"According to my calculations," began Mercury, who had regained consciousness and was hacking away furiously on her mini-computer.

_(FLASHBACK: "Where do you always pull that thing from?" Mars had asked once. "My butt." Mercury had replied. Nobody asked questions after that)._

The brainy soldier continued to speak: "these are a kind of new prototype-minion that the Negaverse has just released. They are a combination of boy scouts and sailors, probably ex-navy, I would say—they attack using overpriced cookies that appear to blow up….their primary energy source is spinach..." she paused and looked up, concerned. "What's going on? Why is everyone laughing?"

"Hahahahahaha!" Jupiter was rolling around in the energy sphere, little flicks of lightening popping out her ears. Venus was howling with laughter.

"I'm sorry, Mercury, I'm sure they tie really good knots and everything," said Sailor Mars, "but honestly, combining 'sailors' and 'scouts'? On a scale from one to stupid, that's the worst thing I've ever heard! That's pathetic even for the Negaverse!"

She wiped a tear from her eye. "Oh, shoot, guys! My contact lens! It just fell out, does anybody see it? It's violet."

Sailor Venus turned to her, appalled; "you mean, that's not your natural eye color?!"

"Hey, cut me some slack!" Sailor Mars turned to point accusingly at her blue-haired friend. "Besides, Ami-chan dyes her hair with Kool-aid."

"REI! You promised never to tell!!"

"Oops."

Sailor Venus flipped her hair and grinned. "Well, I'm a natural blonde!"

"We'd never doubt you, Minako-chan."

Tuxedo Mask was laughing so hard fell out of his tree. "Ow." He brushed himself off and was met with several sets of pissed-off female glares, most noticeably a pair of one purple eyeand one brown. "Haha, sorry, guys, I'm not laughing at you; I still can't get over the 'sailor scout' thingies."

At this final insult, the pint-sized evil 'sailor scouts' looked at each other sadly. "Word, guys, we don't have to take this!"

"Yeah!" said one of them. "Let's go back to the Dark Kingdom, and play X-Box and junk!"

"YEAH!"

They left.

Mars looked after them almost wistfully. "They were evil, but cute. I wonder where they're going."

"Maybe we can send Chibi-Usa with them," Venus muttered darkly.

The other girls looked at her. "Who's Chibi-Usa?" Mercury asked. Sailor Venus pulled her red bow out of her hair and swung it in front of their eyes. "Uh, nobody. Fooorget…._Fooorget_….."

"**COSMO!"**

"Oh, shoot, someone's gotta deal with the stupid monster."

"I'm getting really tired of this…"

"We're still trapped in a bubble…and Sailor Moon somewhere so she's gotta climb back up the cliff or something, so she'll be a while, so that only leaves…" they groaned. "Tuxedo Mask!"

"We're doomed!"

"Maybe he can bore her to death?"

"Mercury! That wasn't nice!"

"Heh heh… tortured genius?"

"Ooo, a poetry slam!"

"Too bohemian."

With injured pride, Tuxedo Mask picked himself off the ground and faced off with the monster, determined to impress the woman he loved (who had parachuted, uh, somewhere) and cement his own self-worth.

"Okay, youma! I challenge you!" he called, in his most imposing manly voice.

"**OOOH!"** It said, suddenly interested. **"A CHALLENGE! YOU MEAN, LIKE, A CONTEST?"**

"Uh, yeah, sure! A contest! Like, Monopoly! And the loser will just…automatically be defeated?"

**"THAT IS LIKE SO TOTALLY LAME! WE'LL PLAY A DRINKING GAME, AND IF I WIN, THEY ALL DIE AND YOU GET TO BE MY BOYF!"**

The girls cringed. "My god," said Sailor Jupiter, "it's talking in bad teen _slang_…"

'_I hate this girly magazine,'_ Tuxedo Mask thought. But it was too late. "At least it's not 'spin the bottle'" he mused, as the monster cried:

**"AIIIGHT, DRINKING GAME TIME! **

**BY THE POWER OF THE NEGAVERSE, I SUMMON THE STRONGEST DRINK THIS PLANET HAS TO OFFER!"**

Tuxedo Mask gulped. His alter ego wasn't a big partier. He was worried.

The air shimmered and suddenly there appeared a table, two chairs, shot glasses, and a big steaming jug of Turkish coffee. Black.

The corner of his mouth twitched. Coffee?! _'Alright, youma. Bring it on.'_

**(AN: DISCLAIMER #2: _The author does not sanction underage overconsumption of caffeinated beverages. It'd stunt your growth and that's no fun, so don't try this at home! Ok, proceed responsibly)._**

**L****ots and Lots of Caffeine Later:**

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Yeahhhhh!" The senshi cheered as Tuxedo Mask downed another shot of coffee. He loosened his cummerbund.

The youma's eyes bulged out of its blue head. **"How can you still be alive?! I'm, like, totally shaking, and I've got a migraine, and you're hardly affected at all! What are you!?" **

The masked hero grinned triumphantly. "I've spent the last five years building up an immunity to black coffee. Try Motoki's arcade sometime." He hiccupped. "It's good stuff."

At that moment, a very dirty and bedraggled Sailor Moon hauled herself, huffing and puffing, over the edge of the cliff. "Man," she breathed, "it's a good thing I had all that rock climbing equipment stored in my subspace pocketbook," she said. "Did we defeat the evil kids and the Swedish model-thingy yet?"

"Ya know," said Sailor Mars wryly, "you could've just teleported here."

Sailor Moon blinked. "I hate you."

**"COsmoooooo....!"**

**LATER THAT DAY.**

Although still tired from the fight, Usagi decided, mostly out of habit, to visit Motoki's arcade. She was limping out of the park and towards the main street when a sleek black car pulled up beside her. "Hey Odango," called a voice from within. "You look kinda shaky. Not that you don't always, klutz."

Usagi peered inside the open car window. "Mamoru-stinky-baka, is that you?" She squinted. "I wouldn't talk! look at you, your hands are shaking like crazy!"

"Yeah, I'm kinda jittery at the moment. Long story. Want a ride?"

Usagi thought for a sec. It was a prettyswanky car but... "I thought you had a motorcycle."

"I do," he said, and he pushed a button under the steering wheel. Immediately two of the tires retracted, the doors and fender constricted, and the car became a motorcycle.

**(AN: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!)**

"Whoah… awesome! Does it talk?" Usagi stopped, suddenly contemplative. "But wait, how can a struggling med student who can only afford one jacket buy a transforming motorcycle car like that?"

Her eyes widened as she looked at Mamoru. _'Oh my gosh…black hair, gorgeous eyes, expensive gadgets, orphan (although Mamoru didn't know she knew that)… why didn't I see it before?'_

Usagi pointed at her arch-rival. "I've figured it out! Don't pretend otherwise, Mr. Superhero! I've realized your secret identity!"

Mamoru was taken aback. _'How could she have figured out my secret identity? It was foolproof! Perhaps she seems ditsy, but it's all an elaborate façade! Perhaps her clumsiness is just a cover that hides her maturity and grace! Perhaps under her easy-going attitude, this girl possesses enough intelligence, strength and dignity to rule the world, nay, a galaxy!'_ "Let me explain!" he cried.

"Oh, can it, mister. I've just got one question for you," the blonde said victoriously, wagging her finger and moving so close to Mamoru that their noses were practically touching.

"What are you doing so far from New York…_**BATMAN?!?!**"_

_Or not._

**Don't worry, guys, this isn't a crossover. No Batman for us, our Usagi's just a little thick!**

**Thanks tons to all of my reviewers: **Endy's Girl, Sailor Libra, Anon, Starlit Warrior, e-chan16, MoonPrincess, Serenity's MoonWings **(neat name)**, Yunyin, Meg-Of-The-Moon, no one, firebirdflame, Niam-Yay, **and **Alicia Blade** (I'm such a fan!). Please keep your expectations low, and I'll do my best to fulfill them!**

**And to PixiePam and your brother, Mamoru's Imposible Transforming Car is dedicated to you! **

**Where's it gonna go next? I think maybe a closet is in order. Romance, anyone? :)**


	4. Prelude to the Mush

**EVERY SM LOVE STORY**

Ciao tutti! Here's some sap, or at least pre-sap, that we'll call 'emotional development'. Please let me know if you've got any ideas where this story can go! (just a few chapters left). I guarantee you a big shiiny footnote! Lots of love for you guys and for vacation, while it lasts.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own:**

**A car**

**A watch**

**A saxophone**

**Sailor Moon**

**CHAPTER FOUR: Sweet, Sweet Plottage**

"For the last time, Odango Atama, I am _not_ Batman!"

"Deny it all you want, Bruce."

With a grin, Usagi added, "I've always wondered…what's it like to have a butler?"

Mamoru rolled his eyes. "Listen, if I were really Batman, why would I be standing in the middle of the park playing Frisbee with an idiotic—how old are you?—_twelve year old_ girl?"

Usagi fumed. Catching the Frisbee in one hand, she threw it back at Mamoru with surprising dexterity. "I am NOT twelve! I'll have you know, Baka, that I am somewhere between the ages of fourteen and eighteen, depending on how pervvy you want to be!"

**AN: your preference, reader! Totally up to you. (potentially 'Ew').**

She caught the red plastic disk again and threw it with a vengeance, almost slicing off the tall man's hand. "We can't all be middle-aged and stodgy like you are! And besides," she said, casually backflipping and catching it again, this time between her legs, "I wasn't the one who parked the motorcycle and stole the Frisbee from a little kid to begin with!"

Mamoru squinted and caught the disk that was hurtling towards him at alarming speeds. "I didn't STEAL it! I traded it for my shirt." He narrowed his eyes again; Usagi's throwing style reminded him of something…but what? Lost in thought, he didn't notice the enormous crowd of women staring enraptured at his muscular chest.

"Ya know, for an uncoordinated klutz, you're pretty good at this," Mamoru said, as Usagi did three cartwheels and a back handspring before catching the Frisbee neatly between her fingers.

She smiled. "Thanks, I get a lot of practice."

"Are you on the ultimate Frisbee team at school?"

'_No, I fight monsters in short skirts.'_ Usagi giggled. "Yeah, you could say that. The hardest part is not making speeches every time I throw this thing!"

"Huh?"

"Er, nothing. How about you? Any sports?" _'Good grief, are we having a civilized conversation?'_ she wondered.

Mamoru grinned. "Sort of. I like throwing…"—_'shoot, how do I put this…foliage?!'_—"darts."

Usagi snickered. "Trust a dork like you to play such a lame sport!"

"Hey! I also play a mean round of croquet!"

At that moment, a flash lit up the sky. There was a tremendous boom. And it started raining...

Usagi screamed.

"Thunder! I HATE THUNDER! WAAAHHHHHH!!!" She screamed for so long that she ran out of breath and passed out.

"Odango! Usagi! Stay with me!" he ran to her body as she collapsed and cradled her head against his chest. Lucky head. He shook her gently. "Daijobu? Ogenki desca?"

Usagi's eyelashes fluttered. "Huh? Daijobawhatty? What'd you say?"

"Sorry…it just popped out. Are you ok?" He touched her forehead. "Oh my gosh, you're burning up! Here, I'll take you to my place, your home is too far."

"Actually, I live a block away, my house is right over there—" Usagi whispered, pointing.

"There's no time!" Mamoru cried. The rain was getting heavier. "There's no choice! I've got to take you to my apartment! It's about twenty minutes away from here!!"

"Seriously, Mamoru-baka, I live right around the corner, makes way more sense—"

"shh, don't try to talk! I'll take you to _my_ place, it's the only way! Quickly," he hoisted her onto his motorcycle before jumping on himself. "Grab onto my sopping wet muscular bare chest!"

Usagi considered her options, wrapped her arms around her very attractive enemy, and shut up.

**AN: Sigh. Siiiiigh….. **

The ride through the pouring rain on the back of Mamoru's bike was not one she'd ever forget.

**The End. **

**...of feminism.**

**PSYCHE! **can't end it there!

**Even Queen Beryl wouldn't be that mean. (Nehelenia might, tho).**

Usagi and Mamoru sped through the storm. His black hair whipped backwards in the wind and tangled with her odangoes. His blue eyes flashed in the darkening sky. Usagi's lighter eyes widened in realization.

'_Black hair, blue eyes, motorcycle, bad 80s fashion sense…why didn't I realize before!'_

"I know your real secret identity now, Baka!" she cried against the fierce wind. "You can't hide the truth from me… **Speedracer!"**

Mamoru groaned. "Yep, you got me."

****

**The End…. of the chapter, boo yeah!**

**Sorry it was a bit short. But you know what's coming!**

**Boy plus girl plus apartment plus storm? There can only be one outcome:**

**Board games! Board games of looove.**

**Midnight**—thanks! Don't worry, there's definitely plenty of time to mess this story up and make it lame.

**Firebirdflame**—you know where I live? Seriously? (grabbing passport and running out of house) Thanks for the review! 

**Lady Wise**—grazie! Laughter is the best result I could hope for. Let's just hope Ms. Takeuchi is laughing too…and that her lawyer has a sense of humor…

**E-chan**—Thanks for the reviews! What does the 'E' stand for?

**Meg-of-the-Moon**—thank you for reviewing! Coffee always makes me shakey, too.


	5. Nothing Really Happens

**Every SM Lovestory**

Hi everyone! Here's the next achey breaky chapter. Updates'll be a little bit slower after this, since I'm back at school, but probably just a few chapters left! Thanks everyone for reviewing, I can't believe it! you guys are great, and I oughtta praise you like I should. (and i will! see below)

**DISCLAIMER**: We'll do this in the Old Latin: I-ay On't-day own-ay Ailor-say Oon-May.

**Chapter 5: Deep Thoughts**

Mamoru and Usagi cruised into the parking garage below the former's apartment. Mamoru locked the motorcycle and pried a frigid Usagi off his bike. "C'mon', he said soothingly. "We've just got to get to the elevator, and then we'll be almost there…"

"My house is probably _still_ closer than your place at this point," she muttered, teeth chattering.

"What was that?"

"Uh… carry me?" Usagi smiled sweetly. Mamoru tried to ignore the school of fish flopping around in his stomach and picked her up, princess-style. Usagi tried to ignore the tingling in her body as he pulled her close to his chest.

'_Must be frostbite,'_ she groaned. _'Just my luck. Although, there could be worse ways to go…'_ she shook her head to clear her brain_. 'Stoppit, Usagi-hentai! He's your enemy!" _She was thinking so hard that she almost didn't notice Mamoru staggering under her weight.

"Uh, Usagi?" he croaked, dragging himself and his petite odangoed burden forward another valiant step, "Do you think you could walk, just a little? You're actually—" he wheezed— "really, really heavy."

"Hey!" she cried indignantly. "what're you trying to say? Maybe if you did more besides drink coffee and read books and make hostile facial expressions, you'd have BIGGER ARMMUSCLES!"

Mamoru retorted, "Well, maybe you could cut it down to just THREE milkshakes a day instead of, I dunno, TWELVE?"

Usagi's blue eyes flashed. "Are you saying I'm fat!?"

Mamoru responded without thinking, "YES!"

By this time they were in the elevator. The metal doors closed with a clang. Mamoru set Usagi down upon the cold linoleum floor. It was only then he noticed that her eyes were tearing up.

'_Oh, man… did I go too far this time? I mean, it's just a game—she never takes what I say seriously—I just do it because she's so cute when she's mad…her face turns all red, and her mouth scrunches up, and her eyes cross, and steam comes out of her ears, and her cheeks kind of puff out, and she foams at the mouth a little…"_ he sighed inwardly. _'it's just so _cute_…'_

From the floor, Usagi hiccupped.

Immediately concerned, Mamoru knelt beside her.

"Odango, I never meant to hurt you," he said, hesitantly reaching his hand to her shoulder, "not even that time when I threw that stool at you at the arcade, or hit you in the eye with that Sailor V doll…"

Usagi batted his hand away and curled up, her arms wrapped fiercely around her knees.The little roomwas quiet for a few moments, before Usagi started to speak.

"When I was little," she began, her voice choked up with emotion, "I had this little bunny rabbit, called Fatty. He was the perfect pet, so round and adorable…and he never _talked _or gave me _advice_ or screamed about how I wasn't fulfilling my Sailor duty…" At Mamoru's confused expression, she continued hurriedly.

"Right, so, one day I brought him to school for show-and-tell, and one of the kids, this stupid boy named Freddie, yelled, "Haha, it's named Fatty, and it looks just like you! 'Rabbit of the Moon!' You're a Fatty Bunny too!"

She sniffled. Mamoru looked on with sympathy.

"The nickname stuck. They called me "Fatty Bunny" for years. Eventually it just became 'Bunny'. People still call me that, you know." She buried her head in her lap. "So thanks for the comments, jerk."

Mamoru was a little bit stunned. Perhaps she wasn't as carefree as he had thought. "I didn't really mean it," he said, stuttering a little. "When I was little… my dad was an ex-axe-murderer. Reformed, i mean. My mother was a mime. So I'm not really very good at… expressing my feelings…"

"Oh…" said Usagi, turning abruply and gazing into his watery blue eyes. "That's so sad! Are your parents here, at your apartment? I've never had a conversation with a real live mime before…"

"No, actually. They're dead. They died when I was six."

Somewhere, a green-haired woman was playing a violin.

"Did he… axe-murder her?" Usagi asked, in a hushed voice.

"Not exactly," answered Mamoru quietly. "Car accident."

"Oh."

She scooted a little closer to him.

The elevator was silent.

"Say…Mamoru-baka… have you noticed… we're not moving?"

"Wha…?" He looked sharply up at the keypad. Sure enough, no buttons were lit. "Shoot. Okay, Usagi, don't panic, we'll call a maitenence person, I'm sure they'll come help us—don't panic…"

"GYAAAAHHH!" Usagi began banging frantically on the elevator walls. "Helllp, help! I'm trapped in an elevator with a guy with bad fashion sense and a family history of insanity!!" she yelled.

"Thanks for the confidence, Odango Atama," Mamoru growled. He pulled the alarm, and sirens began going off. "Ok, they're bound to hear that, should be down soon. We don't know how long it'll take, so…" he noticed that Usagi was shivering and put an arm around her.

"What're you doing, Baka?"

"Body warmth! You'll get sick, it'll be terrible, so we should get as close as possible." They scrunched together. Usagi sniffled again.

"You're soaked!" Mamoru said, noticing her bedraggled state. "We should probably take our clothes off, and—"

"Hentai!! What're you thinking!? This fic is only rated—" her eyes panned upwards towards the — "PG! We can't do that!"

His eyes turned from their usual cool blue to something darker.

"Oo!" she said, immediately entranced. "You've got, like, mood eyes! That was soo cool, do it again!"

"I can't."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease!" she whined.

"No."

They sat for a few minutes in companionable silence.

"You know…" began Mamoru tentatively. "I like the name 'Bunny'. I think it suits you." She harrumphed. "Aw, c'mon, Odango, I'm not saying that in the somewhat near future you're gonna have a kid with red rabbit-like eyes, or anything, but it's kind of cute! Usa-ko." He said softly. "My little bunny."

Usagi was startled. "Did you just call me… Usa-KO? Like… 'Usa' plus 'K.O.', for 'Knockout'? You think I'm a knockout?!" Her light blue eyes shone, like mirrors in a well-lit funhouse.

Mamoru chuckled nervously and said, "that's not what I… I mean, well, yes, sort of…"

Usagi leaned against him and sighed with happiness. "Oh, Muffin," she said.

"What did you just call me?!" cried Mamoru, shifting his weight on the hard floor.

"Not you, Mamo-chan! I was thinking about food. I've got a muffin waiting for me at home, and I'm huuuungry…"

Mamoru groaned, the moment lost, and he turned to find his face very close to that of the little blonde stomach-on-wheels. "Usako…" he whispered, leaning closer.

"Mamo-chan…" she whispered, her hatred of the man mellowing into something very different...

Maybe... dislike?

At that moment, the elevator doors slid open to reveal the face of a very pissed-off elevator repair person. The hand holding a crowbar shook with annoyance. "Alright, kids, it's '_fixed'_. You're '_safe'_. You can go upstairs. And next time, when you get _stuck_ in this thing," he scowled, pointing at the unlit elevator keypad. "try pushing a _button_."

He shoved the crowbar into his overalls and lumbered away, muttering "damn _kids_" under his breath.

Mamoru and Usagi looked at each other, faces scarlet. They had never left the garage floor. Mamoru silently pushed the floor 9 key and the metal doors slid shut. The elevator began to rise.

So did a lump, in Mamoru's throat.

**To be continued….**

**Nothing like a terrible metaphor to keep a story going :) **

**e-chan:** pretty name! Thanks for the consistent reviews. I love motorcycles :)

**veggie's lover:** another vegitarian? Hurray! Thanks!

**Amarie:** Gosh, thank you! What wonderful things to say! It's true, Mamoru's fashion sense can be pretty horrendous, especially when he delves into pink...and yellow shudder>

**Meg-of-The-Moon:** haha, Mamoru as spidey, or daredevil...hmm...Actually, they gave him leather jackets in the live action version alot, and he looked pretty cute. 

**Kaika1221**: thank you for the tip, I wish i could say it was another clever joke, but I messed up. I'll change it as soon as I get the chance!

**Firebirdflame:** Phew, good thing I live in a cave farunderground, with molepeople,so you can't find me with satellite technology... I mean, heh heh (wave's Minako's bow in face) "Forget... foooorgeet..."

**sexylucifer:** glad you're enjoying it!

**yunyin:** thanks! great ideas, i'm not sure i can squeeze a dance into this guy...but maybe a sequel? winks>

**Dark Viola:** did... you just give me your baby? Wow, thanks, I love babies... for breakfast. sigh> yeah, the formatting thing gets me everytime!

**emmastarz:** don't die! look, see, it's updated! live! LIIIIVE!!!!!

**Lady Wise**: ah, a wise review indeed (hoo boy, sorry! couldn't help it!) i'll do me best :)

**rockfreak2003:** thanks tons! i hope you liked this chapter, too!


	6. Awkward Silences and a Frog

**Every SM Lovestory**

Ciao, cari amici! After a brief bit of studying, here's an update. My friend's frog died today. He's in our freezer, along with her old hermit crab and some ice cream. Life is very fleeting. So is comedy. So, please enjoy!

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Scrabble, Sesame St. characters, Bambi, or Sailor Moon, and the movie that pops up later in the fic is not a real movie. Feel free to make it, though!

**WHERE WE LEFT OFF:**

The elevator rose.

So did a lump, in Mamoru's throat.

**CHAPTER SIX: Whoa!! Six Chapters!**

After entering Mamoru's apartment, our two erstwhile heroes didn't speak for a long time.

Usagi sat down on a green leather couch, looking around at her enemy's spacious apartment. It was impossibly clean and bare. There were a few picture frames littering the shelves, but as she peered closer, she saw that they were empty. Mamoru noticed her strange expression.

"I don't have many friends," he said gruffly, pacing restlessly in the kitchen as the fiercest storm in Tokyo's history raged outside.

Usagi poked at a couch cushion, which was pristinely covered with seran wrap. "Hey, remember the first time we met?" she asked.

"How could I forget? After you hit me in the eye with that test, I had to get minor retinal surgery. That's why I was wearing a patch for all those weeks!"

"Oh!" said Usagi. "I didn't realize! I guess my pen was crumpled up in there, too. With the eyepatch, I thought you were just trying to be extra-grumpy." _'Or extra sexy and mysterious,'_ whispered her brain. She shook her head embarrassedly.

Mamoru guffawed from the kitchen. "Wow. You really are as stupid as you look."

Immediately, the sprinklers in Usagi's tear ducts started ticking. "I am NOT! I try REALLY hard! I'm just exhausted all the time, and I can't focus on my studies, and I just don't GET the stuff! Oh, maybe I AM stupid!" With a squelch of plastic, she fell face-down on the couch and began to sob.

Immediately the dark-haired man felt remorseful. He patted her tentatively on the back. "There there," he said awkwardly, "nice Bunny. I'm sure you could do better, if just… waitaminute…"

Usagi turned her red, blotchy, tear-streaked face towards him. Her nose was running a bit. To Mamoru, she had never looked so beauteous.

"I'll tutor you!" Mamoru said, suddenly eager. "What're you working on?" He turned to one of many tall, multi-tiered, alphabetically organized bookshelves and pulled out advanced physics textbooks, quantum math texts, and "A Genius's Guide to Twelfth-year Calculus," only to throw them hastily on the rug as Usagi shook her head fearfully.

"Okay, sorry, I guess these are a bit complex," he admitted. "How about algebra? Or, ah, geometry? I might have something old in here…" he began rifling through the bookshelf.

Usagi continued to shake her head, looking more and more depressed. "I've never really understood that stuff," she whispered, tears glistening in her bluer-than-anything-blue-ever eyes.

Mamoru bent down beside her and… ever so slowly… brushed a lone tear from her cheek.

"Ow, my eye!" she cried, clutching her face with both hands and twitching convulsively on the rug.

"Oh, Odango, I'm so sorry, my finger must've still been dusty from those books! Are you ok!? Do you need mouth to mouth?! I'm a med student! I'll do it!" He ran to a kitchen cupboard and pulled out a first aid kit overflowing with gauze, gloves, painkillers, needles, emergency supplies of morphine, elephant tranquillizers…

By the time he returned to the living room, Usagi had blinked until the stinging had completely disappeared. "No, it's ok, I think I'm fine. It's just—" she shrugged helplessly— "those books, they're all way too hard for me…"

Mamoru smiled reassuringly, tossing a few extra needles on the couch. "Don't worry, Usa-ko, you're much smarter than you think you are. We'll make sure we find something that's just your level. You'll see. Are you sure you don't want my old eyepatch?"

Usagi grinned, and this time the wetness in her eyes came from tears of relief. "Naw. But now we're even."

**A FEW MINUTES LATER:**

"And then Elmo said, 'Oscar the Grouch, let's be best friends!' The end."

"Wow, Usagi-chan, see how well you did? That was great!"

Usagi sniffled nervously. "Really? You really think so?"

Mamoru nodded firmly. "Yes. Ready to try some basic addition?"

"addy-whaty?"

**MANY, MANY HOURS LATER:**

"Okay, Mamoru-Baka. Your move."

After mastering addition, subtracting, and even rudimentary multiplication (Mamoru almost beamed with pride, she had come so far!) the pair had decided to move on to basic spelling. And what better way of learning how to spell than with a friendly game of Scrabble?

Usagi was lying stomach-down on the rug, her eyes narrowed in concentration. Mamoru sat crosslegged in a yoga-like position, back straight, focusing intently upon his little wooden letter blocks.

'_No way…I couldn't possibly have…'_ He looked down to his letters, which were hidden from his erstwhile blonde opponent by a little wooden platform, and than back at the game board. _'Get your mind out of the gutter, Mamoru…but, ugh, it's such a good word! And look, it's triple word score! It won't be that awkward, I'm sure…'_

Decided, he put the letters down upon the board in a line, spelling out the word:

**S-E-X-U-A-L.**

"Haha, Odango!" he said. "Thirty-six points! Read 'em and weep!"

Mamoru was unprepared when Usagi smiled wickedly and cried, "sweet! An 's', just what I needed!" And with a smooth spattering of wooden squares she spelled:

**T-E-N-S-I-O-N.** "Take that!" she said smugly. They both took a look at the game board.

And paused.

Mamoru's living room was suddenly the most uncomfortable place ever.

"So…. Ugh…."

"So…. Er…."

"Hey, look over there, it's another subject!" Usagi yelled, pointing to a wall.

"Huh?" Mamoru was confused.

"Nothing…" Usagi shrugged sheepishly. "I was just trying to change the subject."

"Oh."

Mamoru drummed awkwardly on the living-room table, wishing those elephant tranquilizers were within reach. Suddenly his head shot up. "Hey, want to watch a movie?"

Usagi brightened immediately. "Yeah!!!"

They settled down on opposite ends of the couch. Usagi contentedly cradled a huge barrel of popcorn drenched with butter, chocolate sauce, whipped cream and strawberries, which were, for some reason, all she could find in Mamoru's fridge. She chanced a look over at her still-arch enemy. He sat comfortably with his iron-black hair glistening and blowing softly in an invisible indoor breeze. She watched as he reached for a light and switched it off.

_**flash! flash! flash!back! back! back!**_

Aflood of images appeared before them:

_The Moon. The Earth. A Princess. A Prince. Forbidden love. Making Out. Dancing. Dipping. Twirling. Staring into each other's eyes. More staring. Comparing said eyes to other blue objects. Amateur gardening. An ageless woman with silver hair. Secrecy. Armor, and a white dress. Mood lighting. Never changing their clothes. _

_And then: **WAR. Everything went wrong.**_

_Betrayal. Death. Bloodshed. Cats and dogs, playing poker together…The sky and earth change places. A Woman with a purple dress and a bad perm, uttering threats. Dead soldiers, all around. Men with too-long hair, turned evil. A kingdom, crumbling. Marble pillars, falling to the ground. Animals disrupted from their natural migratory patterns. Other horrors, too painful to describe…_

_And then, the most horrific moment of all: _

_The Woman with the purple dress, an evil and jealous Queen, pulls a nerf water gun from somewhere in her very large cleavage and fires at the princess, who is shielded by the prince…who gets soaked instead of her…_

_But not by water, or even polluted water. The gun is loaded with something far more lethal: evil energy. It pierces his body. And he dies._

_And she watches._

And he speaks, for a really long time. He continues to die, and talk. And talk and talk. It is poetry. He speaks of his love, makes delirious stock market predictions. The princess cries. 

_The princess is angry. She kills herself and pledges to rejoin her love. _

_She dies on her lover's sword. It hurts alot. _

_On this abandoned moon there is somebody still alive, playing really really REALLY sad music._

_But there is **hope**:_

_Unbeknownst to the princess, her mother, the last surviving member of the Silver Millenium, will use the last of her life to send them all to the future, where they will have another chance for love, and making out, and where they will get to wear jeans. _

"_My beloved daughter…may you take this chance to find happiness…on the planet you loved from far away…"Queen Selenity takes a final breath, whispering a few last words of advice to the princess. "Always do your best…trust your heart…and for the Moon's sake, don't buy things you see on infomercials …they seem cheap, but it all… adds up…in the end…"_

_She dies, and her body dissolves into gleaming stars that rejoin the sky she had once _

_ruled so lovingly..._

_A THOUSAND YEARS LATER:_

_A black cat with a crescent moon is stepped on by a clumsy girl with oddly-shaped hair…_

"_Luna?"_

**FADE TO BLACK**.

Usagi and Mamoru sat in the living room, sobbing. Sometime, without realizing it, they had managed to move right next to each other, so they were almost in each others' arms. Usagi was covered in popcorn. Mamoru was clutching a box of Kleenex. Both of them gazed at each other, their eyes glazed over with emotion.

The lights went back on.

Usagi gulped. "Did you just see that?"

Mamoru bit back a sob. "Yes…"

"It was so beautiful."

Mamoru nodded mutely, dabbing his eye with a tissue. He sighed. "Yes, I keep forgetting how good that movie is. It's weird, I usually don't get this emotional over things like this."

(AN: It's a lie. He cried at Bambi, too)

He wiped his face with one hand and picked up the remote control with another, hitting the 'eject' button. A tape popped out of the VCR, with a label marked, _"Memories of the Moon Kingdom."_

"The cinematography's just so good. And Claire Danes does such a good job as the princess, although I've got to say the blond wig isn't convincing."

"I agree, although the prince is kind of miscast too. I mean, Brad Pitt is hot, but they should've picked someone Asian. Have you ever seen the sequel?"

Mamoru slid the movie back into its plastic case and returned it to its place on the shelf. "Oh, you mean the one where it's a thousand years later, and they're reborn and hate each other at first, but secretly fall in love with the others' superhero identities and then figure out who they are and get married and have a kid with pink hair?" He shrugged. "Yeah, it was ok, but not really believable. I mean, studios are all about the franchise these days."

He began to pace, becoming more impassioned in his ranting. "If you think about it, the history's messed up. A thousand years ago, people still thought the planet was flat! There was no moon kingdom! And the plot is second-rate. It's just so contrived! I mean, it's SO obvious that the two stars like each other from the beginning, and that their "hatred" is just a psychological ploy to mask their mutual attraction. As if that would happen in real life! They'd just get together! Why does it have to take so long!"

Usagi stood up indignantly. "Okay, so FIRST of all, it was a SECRET moon kingdom, okay? And second of all, I _liked_ the sequel! It could so too happen in real life! True love does exist. And of course it takes a long time for them to get together, it has to keep being drawn out because otherwise there'd be NO STORY!"

She was about an inch away from Mamoru's face, staring angrily at his mega-blue eyes. Their noses were almost touching. Their faces inched closer. At that moment, she sneezed.

Mamoru looked at her apologetically. "Oh, Odango, I completely forgot about your fever! And you're still soaked! Here, why don't you change into some of my clothes and you can shower later…"

Usagi smiled weakly. "It's ok, I have this very rare medical condition where I suddenly get fevers and they go away as soon as I change into a guy's clothes and he kisses me..." She shrugged. "But more about that later."

Mamoru blinked a couple of times. "Does that happen often? I mean. Oh…kay…here, I'll show you to my closet." He led her into his room and opened up a gigantic walk-in closet.

Usagi cringed in horror. "The blazers! So many blazers!"

"HEY now!" cried Mamoru, "Those are great blazers! They go nicely with my olive complexion, I got them free when I modeled for a blazer company, and… what THE?!?!"

The door had locked behind them.

"OH MY GOSH! We're trapped together in a CLOSET!" yelled Usagi. "Who could have POSSIBLY seen this COMING?!"

Mamoru looked perplexed. "I didn't know this closet had a _lock_…"

**Meanwhile, at the Crown Arcade…**

Five sinister figures and two talking housepets huddled closely together.

"So, Motoki, tell me again why you set up hidden cameras in Mamoru's closet?"

Rei, Motoki, Minako, Ami, and Makoto were all sitting around a little t.v. behind the arcade counter, staring, riveted, at the screen.

Mamoru's best friend blushed. "I'll tell you when you're older. Pass the popcorn?"

On the small screen, Usagi was pounding at the door while Mamoru stroked the sleeve of one of his green jackets lovingly.

"I hope we see some action soon!" The sound of popcorn-munching stopped. Four incredulous heads turned to face the speaker.

"AMI-CHAN?"

"I mean, ya know. Studying. I hope they study." She adjusted her glasses defensively. "What? This is just getting good!"

**and so it was.**

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Another mean cliffhanger. To my most excellent and patient reviewers:**

**Endy's Girl**: On a scale from one to rock, you rock! Thanks tons.

**Lady Wise**: thanks, man! I'll try to keep it kicking.

**Jessie**: wow, that was serious! I'm so happy you like the story, and it irritates me when Usagi's helplessly stuck in some alley, too. I don't think i can fit it into this, but we'll see- maybe that can come later. If you feel passionate about it, you should definitely write something yourself!

**firebirdflame: **shudder> creepy.

**e-chan:** that's the best compliment ever! Don't worry, my family thinks i'm nuts all the time.

**rockfreak:** sorry i took so long! hope ya liked it.

**Meg-of-the-Moon:** yeah, the live-action Mamoru also scrunches up his face in this really unflattering way, especially when he's evil. He's better at the beginning when he's impassive and doesn't have to act :)

**princess serena of the mo:** what happened to the rest of the 'moon'? hee. anyway, i aim to please!


	7. Mamo winkie

**EVERY SM LOVESTORY**

Ahoy hoy! Another chapter. gosh, this fic is getting long! Is it getting worse? The next chapter will be filled up with all the rest of the cliches I can think of (if anyone has ideas,please let me know!). This chapter's very harmless and mushy, so please enjoy! And now, for the:

**DISCLAIMER.** _shoves Austin Powers onto the middle of the stage>_ "Really, it's not mine!" Neither are the Village People, that episode of _Friends_, the Mighty Ducks, or the president of the united states. (phew!).

**CHAPTER SEVEN: All Innuendo. All the time!**

Usagi and Mamoru sat crosslegged on the rug of Mamoru's spacious but very locked closet.

Mamoru shifted his weight. "So…what do you wanna do?"

"I dunno, what do you wanna do?"

"I dunno, what do you wanna do?"

"I dunno, what do you wanna do?"

"Usagi, stop it!"

"Usagi, stop it!"

"Stop repeating after me!"

"Stop repeating after me!"

"Usagi, you are so juvenile!"

"Usagi, you are so… uh…." Since she didn't know what that meant, Usagi was unable to continue. She decided to explore her new surroundings.

"Wow, there are a lot of empty bottles in here," Usagi murmered, looking around the carpeted floor. She gazed abruptly at Mamoru, her tone accusing.

"Mamoru...do you drink _alone_? In your _closet_?!"

"N-no!" cried her oddly nervous companion.

Usagi shook her head. "That's really unhealthy, Mamo-chan. Do you have a problem? I mean, I know you're lonely, but geez…"

"I do NOT drink alone in my closet!" Mamoru protested. "I've got friends!"

"Suuuure. _Invisible_ friends, I bet." Usagi rolled her eyes.

"Nuh-uh! I've got a magical dream princess!" said Mamoru.

The flaxen-haired girl paused meaningfully and patted his handsome dark head. "I'm just gonna let you think about that one for a sec."

Mamoru muttered something darkly.

"What was that?"

"I SAID," he whispered through gritted teeth, "I thought of something to do! We're gonna play 'spin the bottle'."

'_Heh heh,'_ he thought. _'I've been losing too many of our little arguments lately. This'll unsettle her a bit! She'll refuse to kiss me and then maybe she'll let me braid her hair in exchange; I've always wanted to run my fingers through it. Oo, and maybe we can paint each others' toenails, too! Hee hee!'_

Mamoru's…weird…and kind of disturbing…thought process was interrupted by Usagi, who was pouting cutely.

"What's 'spin the bottle'?" She asked innocently.

Mamoru's jaw hit the rug. "are you serious? Have you ever _seen_ a teen movie?!"

Usagi shook her head. "I like rainbows," she said sweetly.

Mamoru's undernourished little orphan heart twitched a little in his chest. _'She is so innocent, and sweet'_… he thought. _'And annoying',_ he reminded himself hastily.

"I am innocent and sweet!" Usagi sang to herself. "Tra la."

**SOME MINUTES LATER:**

"Okay, let me get this straight," Usagi was saying, with the intense concentration of a neurosurgeon performing a brain operation on a tightrope, "you spin the bottle, and whatever it points to, you have to kiss?"

"Yes."

"Ooh, fun! Okay, me first." Usagi twirled an empty glass soda bottle. It spun around quickly, slowing…slowing…slowing…until… it pointed to the wall of the closet, just behind Mamoru's left shoulder.

Usagi scrambled upright, stumbling a bit towards Mamoru, until she had almost reached him; she climbed onto his lap, and then, almost nervously, kissed the wall.

She made a face and giggled. "Ok, Mamo-baka, I did it! Your turn." She sat back down in her spot. "Weird game."

Mamoru just nodded dumbly. He spun the bottle. It pointed to a pair of his very oldest, dirtiest, stinkiest gym sneakers.

Usagi cackled with glee. "Kiss 'em! C'mon, it's your turn, you've got to!"

Mamoru paled. "This isn't how you usually play, you know…"

"Hey, it's your stupid game! Now go kiss those stupid shoes or…or…I'll tell Motoki you've got the entire collection of Sailor Moon manga in your closet! AND plushies!"

**(AN: Which he did).  
**

Mamoru scurried over to the sneakers, gingerly picking up a shoelace, and kissed a grody white canvas heel. He turned green and wheezed, "…your turn."

Usagi giggled. On her next spin, she kissed the door.

Mamoru kissed a shirt.

Usagi kissed a wire hanger.

Mamoru kissed a pen. "Darling!" he breathed, clutching the writing utensil and batting his eyelashes.

Not to be outdone, Usagi bowed to a pair of polka-dotted suspenders and kissed them tenderly. "Schnookums!" She laughed and examined them more closely. "Wow, someone had a good time in the eighties."

Mamoru's next spin pointed to the radiator. Caught up in the moment, he embraced it warmly and pressed his lips against the metal surface. "Sugarpie… gyahhhhh!"

He rolled on the rug, clutching his mouth in pain.

"Mamoru!" Usagi cried, bending over his thrashing form. "Are you ok?!"

**AT THE CROWN ARCADE:**

**(AN: Bet you forgot about these guys, no?)**

Popcorn fell from Rei's open mouth. "He didn't."

"He did!"

From the floor, Luna looked up, concerned. "I didn't see what happened. Are they still kissing inanimate objects? Why do teenagers like this game anyways?" she looked around suddenly. "By the way, where's Artemis?"

"Oh, I stepped on him an hour ago," said Minako absentmindedly. "Oh my God, she did NOT just say what I think she said, did she?!"

**MAMORU's CLOSET:**

"Do you want me to pee on it?"

Mamoru stopped rolling around on the floor long enough to look scared. **Really **scared.

"Do I WHAT?!"

"I said, do you want me to pee on it! I heard somewhere that if you pee on people's burns, they don't hurt anymore," Usagi offered sensitively.

"Actually Odango, that's only the case for jellyfish," he explained patiently, "and **NO** I WAS NOT STUNG BY A JELLYFISH AND **NO** I DO NOT WANT YOU TO PEE ON ME, especially not on my FACE!!"

Usagi's eyes turned into miniature lakes as she turned away from Mamoru. "Fine," she sniffled. "I was just trying to be a _friend_."

The injured man sat up, his pain temporarily forgotten. "You think of me as… a friend?"

Usagi blushed and stared at her knees. "I mean… I'd rather think of you as a circus clown or a truck driver or one of the Village People, preferably in drag, or maybe as that little kid in those old car commercials who's always whispering, like, _'Zoom zoom!'_, or—"

"focus, Usagi."

She sobered, drawing abstract designs in the rug with her pinkie. "What I mean is—maybe, we've survived in here so far without killing each other, maybe we can sort of call—a truce. You know, start again."

Mamoru could hardly slow his beating heart. '_Why am I so excited about this? I don't care what Odango thinks of me. And we haven't even braided each others' hair yet! She's just an annoying brat who's totally babe-liscious and is the only naturally blond-haired blue-eyed Japanese girl in the five-foot radius of the only street I ever walk on and the only arcade I ever visit!"_

And yet…he was drawn to her. Like a moth to a moth-house. Like a fan to a fanfic. So he said. "Okay. Truce."

They shook hands solemnly. Not one to back down from a challenge, he passed her the bottle. "I think it was your turn," he said, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

Usagi spun. She followed the line of the bottle top, and pressed her hands against her mouth in horror. It was pointing right to…

"I am NOT kissing… THAT!!"

Mamoru grinned. "Oh, but you have to. It was the rules, right? Unless you're… chicken."

Usagi looked shaken at the prospect of losing the fight. "I am NOT!" she cried. "But there are some points where a girl's just got to draw the line. I am not." She said emphatically. "Not not _not_ kissing that _green blazer!"_

The green blazer, one of…thousands?…swung evilly from the closet rack, uglier than the ugliest Dark Moon youma…uglier than Katsy's tutu (the black and pink one, with the stripes)…

Usagi shuddered. "I can't!" she explained. "It's too horrible. Look, Mamo-winkie, I'll do ANYTHING else, really…"

Mamoru winked thoughtfully and remembered his burnt lips. He pointed to them and said, "If you can do anything to make _these_ feel better, you're off the hook."

Usagi thought carefully and, remembering how cold her face still was from the storm outside, she took a deep breath, and before she could remember how much she hated his man, she pressed her mouth against his.

_In that moment, there were birds singing. Rockets going off. Gospel Choirs singing. The Mighty Ducks were making a seamless Flying V. George Bush making a sound presidential decision. All the impossible wonders of the earth. Little baby turtles were being born on a beach. Peace everywhere. Trees being hugged. Stars exploding, Teletubbies sent to prison. Fireworks bursting._

**AT THE CROWN ARCADE**:

"Uh, Makoto, I don't think you should be setting off those fireworks inside the building…"

"Oh, loosen up, Motoki, come dance on the tables with the rest of us! This is a celebration!!" Makoto turned to her blue-haired friend, who appeared to be sobbing on the floor. "What's wrong, Ami-chan?"

The girl pushed an aqua lock out of her eyes and cried, "did you just see that? I knew this was an ill-made decision from the start. They've gone insane in that closet and have resorted to cannibalism to survive!"

Minako, the soldier of Love, hopped off the soda machine upon which she had been dancing and patted her friend's arm comfortingly. "Usagi and Mamoru weren't trying to eat each other, Ami-chan," she explained. "What they're doing is called 'kissing'."

"Wow, who'd have guessed that this girl is the smartest human being on the planet," whispered Rei, elbowing Makoto in the side.

The senshi of Lightning tried to hold back her laughter, but it burst out of her, along with a burst of electricity that penetrated the electrical wiring inside the walls of the arcade. The little tv screen they had been watching went blank.

"Oh, no!" cried Ami, making furious typing motions on an invisible keyboard (force of habit). "I fathom that we have commenced to become devoid of closet feed!"

Everybody blinked. "In English, Ami-chan?"

She sighed, and started miming. "Us. Tv. Closet. Show. Bye-bye!"

Minako gasped in understanding. "We've teleported to the moon!" Everybody hit her and she fell down. Then, the power went out.

Three women, two cats and one Motoki screamed.

Suddenly, the arcade doors swung open. Lightening flashed and torrential rain torrented inside as four dark silhouettes appeared in the doorway. Motoki screamed again and the girls prepared to transform, when suddenly the figures stepped forward to reveal themselves as four astoundingly handsome men, all wearing strange grey uniforms.

Immediately conscious again, Minako sat up. "Military men?"

The silver-haired one grinned dashingly. "Actually, madam…"

The other three responded in unison. "We're generals."

**BACK TO THE CLOSET:**

Mamoru and Usagi stared at each other, beyond speechless, after the most glorious kiss of their young lives. **(AN: Except for that time with Mamoru and Brittany Spears, because that was pretty swell too). **

Usagi felt her forehead. "Hey!" she cried. "My fever's gone! Does that mean that you're…." she gulped, and sunk a little deeper into Mamoru's eyes, "my soul-mate?"

"There's only one way to find out," he said, just as the power went out in his apartment. The closet was plunged into blackness.

"Gahh!" Usagi cried. "Blackness!"

"What's wrong with that?!" said Mr. T.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

Hi guys! I seem to like inflicting lots of pain on these poor characters. Especially poor mamo-chan.

Thank you, reviewers! I never realized how motivational reviews are. You guys are really great.

**Lady Wise: gasp!> IS THERE A LIVE ACTION SM? **Hoo baby, is there ever!! And it's just finished airing in japan, it's amazing; so many sparkles. If you download bittorrent you can download it andwatch it for free with subtitles on TV Nihon's bittorrent page.

For info, google a site called"shingetsu" (i can't make the email address appear here) or sailordream dot net.

**Princess serena-mo:** glad you liked it!

**Rockfreak(lotsa numbers):** go crazy? don't mind if i do! Actually, i've got no idea why Motoki put a camera in there. He's a wierd bird.

**animix-chix:** update complete! please enjooooy and keep readin.

**Meara:** sick? yes. How'd you know i have a cold?! Evil... also yes :) OHMYGOSH, i can't believe i forgot crossdressing AND extra sailor soldiers. They'll make an appearance soon, muahaha :) Thanks!

**Yunyin:** haha, yeah, that part was fun to write. I'll try to do better!

**e-chan**: try the dollar store. I bought an eyepatch there, although it was a little uncomfy. Who's oscar?

**pisxiepam:** Thanks for the review! Luckily, bad fanfiction hasn't killed anybody yet.


	8. Hey, hey, we will survive!

**EVERY SM LOVESTORY**

Hi! The moon rises, and the update comes. I'm so lucky to have such great reviewers! Please enjoy these next...wierd...chapters... it was long enough to be split in two. (Modern attention span short chapters i like coffee heath bar ice cream. **Deep thought**: Do you know if you have cookie dough and vanillia ice cream, you can make...cookie dough ice cream! whoaahh!). This chapter is dedicated to the banana phone.

**DISCLAIMER**: I joyfully disclaim Mr. T. and his pithy one-liners, Bill Nye the Science Guy (who appears twice! good grief), IHOP (mmm), the Shawshank Redemption, or Sailor Moon.**

* * *

**

**Where we left off:**

_"There's only one way to find out,"Mamoru said, just as the power went out in his apartment. The closet was plunged into blackness._

_"Gahh!" Usagi cried. "Blackness!"_

_"What's wrong with that!" said Mr. T._

_

* * *

_

**CHAPTER ONE MILLION: Where'd Mr. T. Go?**

**in DA CLOSET:**

"Gack!" screamed Usagi. "That guy with all the gold jewelry who suddenly appeared just...dissappeared!" She began simulaneously crying, dancing and wailing off-key.

"I pity da fool who's stuck in a closet with you for much longer," Mamoru muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said...uh... there must be another way out of here!" He began jiggling at the doorknob in the darkness.

Usagi, meanwhile, tripped over a piece of carpet that had gotten bunched up while she was flipping out. "Ow, my foot!" She felt around a bit with her hands, and came in contact with something cold and metallic. "Hey, Mamoru, C'mere! I think there's a trapdoor or something!"

He quickly manuevered beside her and together they pushed back the rug and pried open the heavy door. They peered inside to the dark opening below them. Usagi dropped a lighted match down into the hole. "A tunnel!" she cried.

Mamoru peered at her box of matches suspiciously. "Where'd you get those?" he asked.

"Pinched 'em from a restaurant."

"Oh..." he said, not entirely convinced."Well...the tunnel kind of makes sense, actually," he ruminated, as the two lowered themselves into the dark space. "The former owner of this apartment was a professional gambler, so it made sense that he'd have a getaway route. It is therefore perfectly legit and not, I say, _not_, a convenient plot device." He winked meaningfully at the reader.

"Yuh-huh!" Usagi agreed brightly, crawling down the darkened tunnel. '_Where does this lead?' _she wondered. Her stomach grumbled. _'Maybe to IHOP! Pancakes, hurray!'_

**An amount of Time later...**

_'This so does not go to the International House of Pancakes!'_

Disappointed, Usagi fished for conversation.

"Want a cold one, Andy?" she joked.

"What?" said Mamoru, still crawling along.

"Are you kidding? You haven't seen the Shawshank Redemption?"

He looked at her blankly.

"It'sa movie. About a convict who digs out of jail.You'd like it...You know, tunnel, digging...tunnel... us, right now...It's a joke."

He looked sad. "I cold and serious," he said. "My heart is too small for humor."

Usagi felt a pang of sympathy for her former (still?) enemy.

"So," she said, panting a little. "What were you saying before, about that soulmate stuff?"

Mamoru brushed some dirt out of his eye. "I said," he said, "there's only one way to find out."

Usagi waited expectantly. "So..." she drawled, feeling a burst of confidence.

"You wanna find out?"

Suddenly nervous, Mamoru, who was beginning to look like a burly construction worker/coal miner, acquiesced. "Okay, are you ready?" he asked the blonde girl crawling beside him. "It's a simple question. Simple, but vitally important."

Usagi waited.

"What is my favorite color?"

Usagi gasped.

**_Meanwhizzy..._At The ARCADE,**

The four girls were chatting comfortably with the four handsome generals. They had paired up; Minako was giggling and poking Karl's unflinching face, Makoto and Ned were flipping their hair, Rei was lighting JJ's head on fire (**AN:** trust me, he deserved it), and Ami andZiggy were planning a moon-landing expedition.

"When I was little, I had a crush on Bill Nye the Science Guy," Ami admitted softly.

Ziggy (aka Zack aka Zorkel aka Zoicite) smiled with emphathy. "Ami-chan...so did I!"

The blue-haired girl grinned happily. "Ziggy-chan, we have so much in common!" Little pink hearts and bubbles floated around their heads.

Then, with a 'woof' of displaced air, another pretty woman came barging through the arcade doors. She was tall and slender, with wavy brown hair and eyes that were, at the moment, red with fury. She snorted and dug her heel into the welcome mat, like a recently prodded bull.

From behind the smooth wooden counter, Andrew gulped.

"What's this I hear about you having nightly parties at the arcade with FOUR women and…" she looked around angrily, spotting Artemis and Luna playing checkers on the floor, "strangely intelligent domesticated animals?"

Andrew walked slowly towards her, holding his hands up innocently. "Really, sweetie, it's not what you think…" He filled her in on the situation. "and by the way, how did you know about this?"

The woman blushed, her anger momentarily subdued. "You're not the only one who puts cameras up in peoples' rooms for no reason," she said. She whispered into his ear. "I saw your little show on Thursday, too."

Andrew winced. He'd been singing "I will Survive." With a mop.

"Business was slow," he whispered back. He took the woman by the waist and turned to face the girls and said smilingly, "Everyone, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Rita."

"HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND?" Makoto keeled over and died of shock.

"Oh my gosh! They killed Mokoto!"

"I always knew she had a crush on Andrew!"

One of the generals, Nigel (aka Ned aka Neil aka Nephrite aka Juan), who had been talking with the chestnut haired girl for quite some time, looked sad. "I thought she liked me," he said, downcast.

"Don't worry!" said Minako, patting his backsoothingly. "She does! She likes everyone."

"Yeah," reassured Rei. "This happens all the time. We'll just wait for Sailor Moon to come by and resurrect her."

"Huh?"

"Oops," said Rei. "That was sloppy. Mina-chan, can I borrow your hairbow?" She waved it back and forth in front of the man's befuddled eyes. "Forget… Foooorget…."

His eyes spiraled. "I like stars," he said.

Rei smiled. "Good boy." She handed the red bow back to Minako. "This thing is actually really useful," she complimented.

"I know!" the blond girl said, clipping it back into her hair. "Why do you think I wear it every single day? Because some boy I liked said it looked good on me? Because otherwise viewers couldn't tell me apart from Usagi? Shahh! Like even!"

She looked sidelong at the rest of the girls for a moment. "Speaking of which...anybody ever get the feeling we're being watched?" she said paranoidly, her eyes shifting beadily back and forth.

Rei and Ami sighed. _'Not this again._' "Here," Rei said, rolling her eyes. "Play with this."

Minako's face lit up. "Ooh, a paper clip!" She began giggling happily.

**in da TUNNEL:**

Usagi was stunned by the gravity of the question.

"What's my favorite color?"

"But that's... so personal!" _'This is really hard,'_ she thought. _'What if it's a trick, like he'll say, "the whole rainbow, because no color is as pretty without the others!" or "I don't have one, since colors are only refracted light, anyway..." _She shook her head. '_Ew, I'm channeling Ami...or Bill Nye the Science Guy...'_

Unseen by his thoughtful comrade, Mamoru smiled sadly. '_See, of course she wouldn't know. You don't have a soulmate. No one will ever love you. You're just a lonely, stuck-up pig who happens to be excessively attractive... and you smell'._ His eyes teared. _'My Inner Voice is so mean!'_

By this point, thinking of the row upon row of of olive green jackets in his closet, Usagi had almost decided upon an answer: Pukey, roadkill green. But just as she was about to say it out loud, something made her change her mind.

"Your favorite color is... the shining and soulful blue of my eyes?"

The earth shook. A bunch of dirt collapsed from the ceiling of the tunnel onto Mamoru's head. He coughed and looked at Usagi and, dizzy with surprise and affection, said, _"How did you **know**?"_

They spotted light in the distance. "Hey, I think we're almost there!"

**At the ARCADE:**

Hearts still floating everywhere. Suddenly...

**BFFJFoWOOMPH!**

Everyone jumped back as the door to the supply closet opened with a crash, and a very dirty Usagi and Mamoru stumbled out.

"No way!" Usagi sputtered. "The gangster's escape route led _here?_!"

"He liked to play Sailor V," said Andrew, from behind the counter. He shrugged his shoulders at the surprised looks. "Wha? Friend of my dad's. He was into shady things."

Mamoru looked at his friend, incensed. "You! You're the one who's been stealing milk out of my fridge!"

Andrew wrinkled his nose. "Yeah...you should clean that thing out, buddy. "

Usagi and Mamoru looked around the arcade, taking in the strange scene.

"Um," said Usagi tentatively.

"Is everyone okay in here?"

"Oh, yeah, we're all fine. Makoto is dead though."

Usagi sighed. "Again? Geez."

Ami-chan frowned and adjusted her glasses. "She's been out for quite some time, Usagi-chan. You'd better resurrect her soon. And by my calculations, your regular powers won't be enough. You'll have to use the—" Ami looked apprehensively at their rather large audience, and whispered the last word, "crystal."

Usagi groaned. "Shoot. That's such a pain! And what," she said quietly through her teeth to Ami, gesturing over at the generals, Mamoru, Motoki and Rita, "about_ them_?"

"There's no time. We can erase their memories after if we need to."

Usagi sighed. "Ok, nothing for it. Guys!" she said loudly. "Think of something sad!"

**This cliffhanger.**

To the next chapter!


	9. Loose Ends

**EVERY SM LOVESTORY**

**CHAPTER SEVEN B: The Rest**

Usagi sighed. "Nothing for it. Guys!" She said loudly. "Think of something sad!"

"Something sad…" mused Minako.

"That dead person on the floor?" said a half-brainwashed Nigel.

"No, no, much sadder."

Rei concentrated. "Uhh… Usagi being queen of the planet. Uh… puppies falling down. Puppies being eaten by kittens."

Usagi's eyes began to water.

"Puppies being mistreated by small children. Us never getting out of high school and working at the arcade forever. Us becoming middle-aged and fat."

"Nooooooo!" At that last remark, Usagi cried out. A lone teardrop fell from her face and rose in the air, spinning and shining and emitting and otherworldly light.

Before the spectators' awestruck eyes, the tear transformed into…

"a peanut?"

"Try a little harder, Usagi-chan!" encouraged Ami.

She concentrated. The next tear transformed into a magical silver crystal. Usagi transformed into a white fluffy dress. She crouched next to Makoto's body and cried, "Mooon….healing…WAKE UP MAKO-CHAN! I REFUSE TO DO THIS EVER AGAIN!"

Makoto's eyes fluttered and she rose from the ground to meet the smiling face of her friend.

"This time," Usagi told her. "Find a guy you're going to keep."

The tall girl turned over and locked eyes with Nigel, who happened to be staring her way. "Hiya, handsome."

Mamoru, who had been shocked into silence, finally found his voice. "Usagi… does this mean that you are… you are…"

Usagi nodded her head wisely. "Yes," she said simply. "I am Sailor Moon."

Something inside Mamoru's chest clicked. It was nothispacemaker, though."Perhaps it is time for me to tell you…" he was suddenly encased in a blinding golden light.

"I am also Sailor Moon!"

The girls all froze in horror at the picture of Mamo-chan wearing a tiny blue skirt and a big blond wig.

Rei ralphed. Karl (aka Kevin aka Kunzite aka Malachite aka Betty) flicked back his silver hair and said in a sultry tone, "Hi there, gorgeous…"

"Ew!" cried everyone in unison.

At that moment a short blond-haired man stepped out of the back room. "Hey!" He said angrily. "Do you guys have a problem with crossdressers!"

"Cousin Haruka!" called out Usagi gaily.

'Cousin Haruka' strode purposefully over to Usagi and kissed her on the lips. "I've been meaning to tell you this for some time. I am actually a woman."

"T-That must mean, you're also not really my cousin, right?" the younger girl stammered.

Haruka grinned. "No, I am really your cousin."

"EW!"

She grinned again. "Bye, now, I'm going over to Michiru's."

Usagi blanched. "_Cousin_ Michiru?"

"Don't think about it too hard, kid." Haruka left.

Usagi was shaking.

Andrew blinked. "Well, I'm…disturbed…" He blinked again. "On many levels… Good grief, Mamoru-kun, could you please put some pants on."

"Sorry!" Mamoru gulped. "I must be really out of it today. What I meant to say is… I'm really… Tuxedo Mask! My poetry was never good enough to be published, so I switched to the hero biz." He spun around a bit and was suddenly wearing a dashing three piece suit.

Without warning, Andrew took a few steps forward begin to spin around too. "You're not the only ones with secrets! I am Tuxedo Milkshake! Saving the world from excessive dieting!" He was wrapped in cherry colored light, and when the brilliance faded he was wearing exactly what he had been wearing before. Only with a bow tie.

**(AN: it's a magical bow tie).**

"oooo," said the girls. Rei let out a low whistle. "I can barely recognize him!" she cried.

"I knew those milkshakes were too tasty to be normal," Usagi declared.

Seconds later, a girl with purple hair and glasses popped out from behind a video game and threw table salt and little bits of glitter into the air. "And I, Seisaku Johnson, am Usagi's long lost cousin and Sailor Earth!"

A boy with spikey blond hair appeared behind her. And I am your twin brother, Johnny Tsukino, also known as…" he transformed in a flurry of flower petals and arcade napkins… "Sailor Open Star Cluster **NGC 2467!"**

Usagi narrowed her eyes. "Hey now, I've seen the future, past, and alternate present like a gazillion times, and I _so_ do not have a twin brother!"

Tears came to the blond boy's eyes. "Why does no one love me?" he complained.

Sailor Earth knelt beside him. "I have always loved you." She said softly.

He turned to her. "Who are you again?"

With a rush of displaced space, Sailor Pluto appeared before them, holding a really big key.

"I have seen your destiny," she told the two youngsters solemnly. "And you will go play ski-ball together, over there somewhere."

"Okay!" They said, and they linked hands and obediently left the scene.

"Thank you, Setsuna," Usagi said gratefully. As the Soldier of Time smiled and disappeared, she began to feel very awkward.

The various superheroes milled about the arcade, unsure what exactly to do next.

"Quick! I think I'm about to do something impulsive!" Mamoru cried. Everyone looked terrified. "Don't worry, the world isn't ending!"

"It will soon," said Setsuna mysteriously.

Mamoru jumped. "Gyahh! Stop appearing out of nowhere! Go away!"

A lone tear trickled down the green-haired woman's face. It didn't transform into anything. "Fine!" she said, and vanished. "I want a hug."

Mamoru turned back to Usagi. "Andrew, put on some music." His eyes narrowed. "Hey, wasn't your name 'Motoki' in the last chapter? Or the one before?"

The sandy-haired boy shrugged. "I dunno." He popped a tape into the stereo. Immediately, the haunting tune of a familiar song wafted out of the speakers. Mamoru turned to his friend, aghast. "This? Are you serious?"

Motoki/Andrew shrugged again. "Sorry, it's all I've got. Some kid left it in a booth the other day."

The ebony haired man took Usagi's arms and led her to the smooth hardwood center of the arcade. He took her hand.

"Darling, we seem to be dressed for the occasion... may I have this dance?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

In perfect symmetry, they began to dance.

"Oh!" Usagi said. '_this feels so familiar…'_

"You know, for a klutz," Mamoru mused, "you're pretty good at this…"

She flushed. "I'm usually not this coordinated. It's just that I'm with you…" she looked up at him. Suddenly nervous, she began to babble, "but I've forgotten how hard it is, especially the flapping part."

Strains of the time-old song hovered romantically over their heads:

**"**_If you wanna be a chicken_

_Just flap your wings_

_And go like this!_

_Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!_

_If you wanna be a chicken_

_Just flap your wings_

_And go like this!_

_Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!"_

Mamoru and Usagi chickendanced together in perfect harmony, as though they had been destined for it their whole lives.

"Mamoru…I think I have to tell you…"

"Usagi…I want to let you know…"

"I hate you." They both said together.

"That really means we love each other, right?" said Usagi, clapping her hands to the beat of the music.

Mamoru thought hard. "I don't know. There are still aspects of your personality that I very much dislike."

"Same here," said Usagi. "But there's no one else I'd rather hate."

They kissed briefly, and smiled.

"So… can we just keep dancing?"

"Until forever, my love."

They flapped their wings, and went like this:

**CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP!**

"Ow, my foot!"

**THE END.**

I'll add 'thank yous' in the morning. G'nite everyone, it's been a trip, I hope you had a good time!

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Chickendance, or a puppy**.


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